Dealing With Feelings Of Gender Disappointment
“Wait? So moms really deal with feelings of gender disappointment?”
Yes, they do, and let me give you an example:
Your sibling or relative decides to plan a gender reveal party for you and your partner to find out the gender of your precious little bundle of joy.
And you are beyond excited because you just KNOW you are having a boy.
You have had dreams of holding a baby boy and you even know what you are going to name him.
All of the old wives’ tales are indicating that it is a boy and those are never wrong because they have been right for everyone else.
Everyone around you and all your friends are having boys so that has got to be a sign that it is boy season.
Your family and friends begin to countdown while you are standing there holding the pin to the balloon that you KNOW will have blue confetti coming out of it very soon.
3…..2….1!
You pop the balloon…
And see pink confetti falling down around you.
All of your friends and family who were hoping for girl instantly erupt in cheers and chants because they are excited that you are having a girl.
Yet, you are just standing there in shock with your mouth open in disbelief that you are having a girl when you just knew that you were having a boy.
Thoughts of having a girl starts to fill you with anxiety, sadness, and even anger.
This is what many have begun to call gender disappointment.
And as unfortunate as these feelings are, this was me.
I struggled with these feelings at first, but I learned how to cope with those feelings in order to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and actually be genuinely happy about the arrival of my baby girl.
And I want to share some of those tips for anyone who may be struggling with any feelings of gender disappointment within pregnancy.
If you are looking for some ways to deal with feelings of gender disappointment, then keep reading.
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What Is Gender Disappointment?
For those who are unfamiliar with the term, gender disappointment, let’s discuss its meaning and what it looked like for me.
Gender disappointment is exactly what the term implies.
You are disappointed in the gender of your unborn or newly born child.
Which is exactly how I would describe the feeling as well.
Most of you all know I have a 2-year-old daughter that I talk about quite a bit here on the blog.
I actually wanted a boy when I found I was pregnant with her because I just envisioned having a boy as my first child that would be a big brother to any other children that my husband and I would have.
I actually want to be a mom to both a girl and a boy because I want to be able to experience raising both a boy and a girl.
Naturally, I wanted first a boy and then a girl in that order.
So, when I found out that my first was a girl, I was a little disappointed.
But, I knew that my husband and I wanted more children so I accepted that my oldest will be a girl.
Fast forward to now and I am pregnant again and I just know this must be my boy.
And it’s a another girl.
The disappointment I felt this time around hit me much deeper.
It just felt like my vision of having a boy was just slipping away from me.
Especially with how rough the first trimester has treated me this go-round, the thought of having to try again just wasn’t appealing to me.
And that is still no guarantee that I will have a boy.
Even with all the feelings of disappointment, sadness, and anger that I felt, I noticed another emotion lingering as well.
Shame.
I felt ashamed that I felt that way knowing how many women struggle with just trying to get pregnant and here I was upset about the gender.
I knew I didn’t want to continue feeling this way, because at the end of the baby, a healthy baby is ultimately what we all want.
I just needed to find a way to shake these feelings so I can enjoy this pregnancy and be able to love this little girl that I’m carrying.
How Long Does Gender Disappointment Last?
This leads me to the next question that people often wonder about when experiencing gender disappointment.
How long do feelings of gender disappointment last?
It really depends on the person when it comes to shaking those feelings of gender disappointment.
There is really no way to determine how long it will last because ultimately you would need time to sort through those feelings of disappointment you are experiencing.
Which is true.
We often think people would not understand what it feels like because it’s not like you lost the baby.
But that is exactly what it feels like when you get the gender that you did not technically want.
Many people have to “grieve” this as a loss and we don’t put a time limit on grief because once again everyone is different.
But we can do is work through those feelings during this time and I want to offer some tips on what you can do to do just that.
Overcoming Gender Disappointment
Now that we have discussed what gender disappointment is and how long it can potentially last, let’s talk about how to deal with it.
Feel Your Feelings
As I was saying earlier, you need time to sort through those feelings and that starts with feeling what you feel.
Because what you are feeling is valid.
Don’t hold in those feelings, acknowledge what you are feeling.
Are you sad or angry? Whatever it is, just feel it.
I know most gender reveals are recorded for memory purposes and it is hard to fake that initial reaction because it is your most true reaction.
At both of my gender reveals that I had for both of my girls, you see shock at first.
This was followed by frustration and that is exactly how I would describe how I felt.
The other emotion you did not see on camera was sadness, because the last thing I wanted to show on camera was being me sad.
So I confronted this emotion alone and allowed myself to be sad for a little bit.
Communicate Your Feelings With Someone
You all know I am big on communicating and talking things through.
Find someone who will understand, just listen, and allow you to be vulnerable.
Sometimes this is your spouse, your sibling, your parent, or even a best friend.
Just find someone.
If you are not ok, don’t say that you are.
After you have acknowledged what you are feeling, you need to find a way to relieve those feelings and that can be in the form of talking to someone else.
If I don’t talk to a friend or family, I have found that there are a lot of online support groups that you can feel safe to confide in to discuss some of these feelings.
You would be surprised at how many moms can relate to what you are saying.
Go Look/Shop For Baby Stuff
How can anyone stay mad looking at baby clothes and other baby stuff?
I know I can’t and it was actually one of the things that I did with my first daughter to pull myself out of that rut after I had found out.
I found that by looking at little girl clothes and other baby items, I began to accept the reality of having a baby girl and even found myself looking forward to dressing her up and having a mini-me around.
When I found about this baby girl, I found myself doing the same.
I started my baby registry and as I started looking at all the new baby girl stuff that they had out, I found myself getting excited again.
And not only that.
I already had a girl and had saved quite a few of her things so this would actually make this transition a lot simpler because we already had it.
I have a younger sister as well and we are really close.
So, I get to foster and witness this bond that both of my girls will have with each other and I hope that it is a lot like how my younger sister and I are.
With time, it gets better and you begin to see more pros than cons.
And of course, once the baby gets here, it might not even matter because you will be overjoyed with the life you have been creating for the last 9 months.
This leads me to my next tip.
Go Team “Green”
If you don’t know what Team Green is, it when the mother or the parents decide to wait until birth to find out the gender.
I personally cannot do this, but I know many people who make this decision.
You pretty much skip a gender reveal and tell your doctor that you do not want to know.
By doing this, you potentially miss out on any gender disappointment you experience because you will just be happy to be holding your healthy baby in your arms.
If you think this is something that you could do, especially if you are worried that you may experience some disappointment if you find out, then I highly suggest doing it.
Seek Therapy
If you are experiencing extreme gender disappointment and you are finding that you are having a hard time feeling connected to your baby or you are just really unhappy about it in general, then it might be time to seek therapy.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to therapy.
In fact, by going to see a therapist, you can really work through why you are having such a hard time, in order to be present for your unborn or newly born child.
We all want to thrive in mom-life and that starts with taking care of ourselves physically and mentally.
Your Turn
Now that I dove into what gender disappointment is and how I have dealt with it, I want to hear from you. Have you ever had feelings of gender disappointment? If so, how did you overcome those feelings? Let me know in the comments and while you are still here, check out my previous post below. Until next time!
- Read More: Get Your Toddler Talking With These 7 Tips
Love,
Just Jass
Jasmyn Heard
Hi! I'm Jasmyn or "Jas" as everyone likes to call me! I'm a stay-at-home girl momma to 2 beautiful little girls and married to my wonderful husband whom I have been with for 10 years! I'm a book and tea lover and when I'm not working on my blog, you can find me sharing bits and pieces of our lives on Instagram or me strolling down the aisles of Target and DSW! I'm the mama blogger behind the blog, Just Jass, where I offer parenting advice, productivity tips, and positive mental health habits from my perspective as mama of 2. Why don't you join me and my Jassy Fam as we navigate this thing called "mom-life" together!
32 Comments
Lindsey
It seems like the trend of gender reveal parties puts extra pressure on parents. Perhaps if we made gender less of a big deal, it would be easier to accept the results.
Jasmyn Wilkins
You are absolutely right and maybe if people did put less emphasis on gender, it would be a lot easier, but I don’t see that going away anytime soon lol.
Brittany
Great tips. Gender disappointment can be a tough thing to deal with.
Jasmyn Wilkins
It really can be, but it doesn’t have to be! A healthy baby is what we all ultimately want, but I do want to normalize that it does happen.
Nathania
I’m also a mom of 2 girls. A 4 year old and a 5 month old. I had my first daughter wanting a boy as well and I accept it right away when I find out my first was a girl. Then my second time around I was so sure it was a boy because that pregnancy was different from the first. Then I found out I was having another girl. I really wanted another girl though. I was just sad because my husband really wanted a son. But we are both ecstatic and happy with our two healthy girls who we love and adore so much. Sisters are special and I can’t wait for them to grow up close together.
Jasmyn Wilkins
That is exactly what I’m looking forward to! My husband wants a boy as well and I felt bad that we didn’t get a boy this time around but he is looking forward to having another daddy’s girl! Lol
Charina Rasing
I didn’t have any gender reveals for my 3 boys but I wished my second was a girl. Still, thankful for all of them. Doesn’t make me any less mom.
Jasmyn Wilkins
There is nothing wrong with hoping that you get what you want and not getting it, but remaining thankful for a healthy baby. I’m looking forward to the arrival of my latest princess!
Mrs. Cherry
Oh gosh, this is definitely a delicate subject. These tips are great, especially therapy. Sometimes, they can show new ways to cope with things.
Jasmyn Wilkins
This is a very touchy topic but one that needs to be discussed more because women really do experience this! And I’m a big advocate for therapy if that is what someone is ultimately needing in order to enjoy the life they are creating!
Alexandra Michelle
This happened to my husband with my first pregnancy. He wanted a boy so bad that when he knew it was a girl he was so upset he just left. I think these are very good tips. Very thoughtful of you to share! ❤️
Jasmyn Wilkins
Men do experience too and mine was a little disappointed but he is looking forward to another daddy’s girl! Glad that you enjoyed this post!
Rachel
When I first got pregnant with my first baby I really wanted a girl. Well, now I have three boys and I have zero desire to add a girl to mix. I think finding out the gender when actually looking at your baby on the screen helps!
Jasmyn Wilkins
Isn’t that funny how that works? I obviously wanted a boy but now it excites me knowing that my daughter will have a sister that she can be close with like how my sister and I are! I can’t wait to see their bond!
Lynn
That is exactly what I’m looking to do!!!
Jasmyn Wilkins
Go for it!
Sarah
It’s definitely great to have someone to talk to with no judgment.
Jasmyn Wilkins
It’s always better to have someone to talk about any and everything without judgment!
Ivan M. Jose
Good read. It’s my first time to hear about gender disappointment and it’s enlightening to know that such an issue exists. My wife and I are glad though that we didn’t experience this, even if we were hoping for a baby girl for our second child.
Jasmyn Wilkins
Thank you and I didn’t really know about it until I started to realize that other people were experiencing the same thing! I’m so glad that you enjoyed this post!
Monica Simpson
I never experienced gender disappointment but I bet it’s because I never had one of those gender reveal parties. I can see how those put pressure on people.
Jasmyn Wilkins
Gender reveal parties are fun and another great way to celebrate the upcoming arrival of your unborn child, but they can bring pressure. I know of people who didn’t have a gender reveal and were still upset when they found out at the doctor’s office. Everyone has a preference, but at the end of the day, a healthy baby is most woman wish for!
Danielle
I’ve never had this happen to me, but these are good tips for others!
Jasmyn Wilkins
Be thankful because it does happen! Glad that you enjoyed these tips!
Ella
This was interesting, it’s so rare to hear someone wanting a boy. After all, there are so many problems (people avoiding you, not being able to have people over, it’s extremely likely that the boy will assault or harass others in the future etc.) Gender reveal parties can certainly be problematic though! Hope you’re feeling better now.
Jasmyn Wilkins
My family consists of mostly girls so we are always hoping for boys lol. My husband is also a great example of what a man is and I would love to give him a son that is a lot like him and be able to experience having that mother/son bond! Gender reveal parties are another great way to celebrate babies and even if you don’t get the gender that you want, you are still thankful and grateful for a healthy baby! I’m more than ready to meet our latest princess!
jess
Thank you for sharing! I deeply desired a little boy because my father would often tell my sister and I growing up that we were his “favorite girls.” When I asked “what about Mom?” he’d respond “not her,” so now I have this irrational fear that having a girl will cause my husband to leave. We found out yesterday we’re having a girl and I’ve been crying ever since. Even though I’m married to an amazing man who is NOT my dad and has been a rock solid source of support, it’s hard riding the waves of disappointment and crushing shame. I feel less insane knowing I’m not alone. I didn’t even know “gender disappointment” was a thing. Appreciate you putting this out there!
Jasmyn Heard
Your very welcome and you are absolutely not alone! Gender disappointment is definitely a thing and something that needs to be normalized! It does not make you a bad person for wanting a specific gender and it does not make you love your unborn any less! Even though I wanted boys, I am obsessed with my girls and wouldn’t want it any other way! I’m so glad that this post resonated with you!
Scarlet
I think you are very brave to even broach this subject. It is one of things people may feel but no one wants to talk about. Gender disappointment on some level may be natural but focusing on how much we have to be grateful for should help it recede.
Jasmyn Heard
It really is a hard topic, but one that many don’t talk about because they feel ashamed for having such thoughts. I know I did, but as you said, there is a lot to be grateful such as the ability to even be able to bring life into this world. I’m beyond grateful for my baby girl and I know that she was meant to be here with me and a part of our family.
Marissa Khosh | MamaRissa.com
I love that you are willing to share this honestly becuase there are a lot of people who need to hear it. Gender disappointment can be devestating. And it can be very hard on the spouse who is not disappointed as well.
In our situation, it was my husband who experienced gender disappointment. When we found out we were having a girl, he was really upset. Even though we both knew he was hoping for a boy, I don’t think either of us was expecting just how upset he was to find out we were having a girl (you can read more about our experience with gender disappointment in this post: https://mamarissa.com/how-to-get-your-husband-excited-about-having-a-baby-girl/).
It was pretty hard for him, but it was also challenging for me. I was excited about having a girl, but I didn’t feel like I could be as freely happy as I wanted to be because of my husband’s feelings. It was tough and dampened the joy of the pregnancy to a degree for me and quite a bit for my husband.
I was worried that the baby would be born and my husband would still struggle to love her as much as if she were a boy. But I had no reason to worry about that. When our daughter was born, he fell so in love with her that he was completely, irreverseably wrapped around her finger.
Jasmyn Heard
I’m so glad that you enjoyed this post and appreciated my transparency! I can only imagine how tough that had to have been for you since you were the person that was excited about the gender! My husband actually took the news of our second daughter better than I did when we found out we were having another girl which made it a little easier for me to overcome it! Now I’m over the moon about my second daughter who is here and couldn’t imagine life without her!