Discipline Your Toddler Without Yelling Or Hitting
For parents out there who didn’t know, there is a way to discipline your toddler without yelling or hitting them.
I can’t believe it but I will have a 2-year-old in a little over a month. And with this age, everyone likes to warn you of those “terrible twos”.
This is the stage where your toddler is very likely to begin to assert some independence, show more interest in communicating, and of course, throw tantrums.
Your toddler doesn’t even have to be two yet to start experiencing some of what I just said.
I began to notice my daughter had started exerting her independence a few months ago. She knows what the word “no” means and it has lately been her favorite word to say to me as of lately.
As a parent, I can see why many parents have a bit of a hard time with this stage because you feel like your kid is constantly testing you. You may even feel ready to lose it on your toddler.
But you have to remember that you are the adult here.
It may feel like your toddler is out to get a rise out of you and they might be. But, I can guarantee you that it is not of malicious intent.
And there is a way to discipline your toddler without yelling or hitting them.
Many parents are leaning towards more positive parenting approaches to discipline and I have found myself attempting to do that as well.
Here is how to discipline your toddler without yelling or hitting them.
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Why Your Toddler May Act Out
Before we get into the different disciplinary approaches, let’s explore why your toddler may be acting out.
So is why is your toddler acting out?
The most common reasons that parents like to call this stage the “terrible twos” are likely due to an increase in tantrums and becoming more stubborn with what they want.
As your toddler develops and gains more confidence in her abilities, they begin to test the boundaries of what they can and cannot do.
They are processing so much information through observation and exploration. And toddlers should definitely be able to explore within a safe, childproofed environment.
They have also realized that they are their own separate person with wants and needs. And they are beginning to communicate those wants and needs.
However, they are unaware that there is a way to get their needs met without acting out.
Acting out can look very different from child to child. Examples of acting out can include:
- Tantrum-throwing
- Hitting
- Yelling
- Headbanging
- Holding their breath
Whatever way your child utilizes to get your attention, they have to learn that they cannot act that way to get what they want.
Now, let’s get into some ways to discipline your toddler without yelling or hitting.
How To Discipline Your Toddler Without Yelling Or Hitting
Change Your Tone
I hate to say this but there is usually a reason that children have a tendency to listen to “Dad” a little bit more than mom.
Most men naturally have a little more bass in their voice that can command attention and seriousness. I like to call it the “Dad Voice.”
As women, we don’t always have that same luxury and often resort to yelling at our kids. And if your toddler is acting out, the last thing you want to do is yell at them because they will likely yell back.
A lot of us have to rely on our body language to command the type of attention we want. Some of us even develop the “look” which means we don’t play that.
Use your “Mom Voice” with as much sternness as you can muster and don’t budge.
Don’t give in to what they want and allow them to run things in your household. They have to understand that Mom can be just as serious as Dad.
And for us ladies, it starts with changing our tone and becoming more stern with our approach.
Limit The Amount Times You Say “No”
This is a hard one.
I am so guilty of saying no to my daughter more times than I count. It is much easier saying “No, don’t touch that” or “No, stop that” and I know that I am not the only mom guilty of that.
And the funny part is we wonder where did they learn to say “no.”
My daughter picked up on what no meant pretty quickly and now she uses that word quite often to express what she doesn’t like or when she doesn’t want to do something.
Instead of saying no, I have been attempting to say what I want her to do instead.
For example, when my daughter starts screaming, instead of saying “No, stop screaming.” I have been telling her to use her inside voice while mimicking the tone and putting my finger over my mouth.
If she wants to copy what I’m doing she does the same thing I do. Be prepared to do this over and over and with repetition and consistency, it will start to stick for them.
This leads to my next point.
Model How You Want Them To Act
Just like I stated above if we are constantly saying “no,” our children catch on and therefore copy what we are saying.
If we yell at them when we are angry, then they will yell when they are angry.
If we hit them or something out of frustration, guess what they are going do when they are frustrated?
Toddlers are like little parrots mimicking what we are doing. This forces us as parents to be mindful of what we are doing because this little person is constantly watching us.
It’s like we have a second shadow following us around.
I had recently written a blog post on teaching your child what it means to be kind and empathic and I said the same thing in there. If you want your child to be kind and empathic, you have to model that yourself.
If you want your child to demonstrate better behavior, you have to model it yourself.
You may not always control how your child acts, but you can control how you act.
Get On Their Level
Imagine being 2 or 3-foot tall trying to take on a world much bigger than you. It’s got to be frustrating right?
Not being able to reach anything. Not being able to see what my mom is doing in the kitchen.
These simple things by themselves can lead to a tantrum.
My daughter is much more likely to throw a fit when I’m in the kitchen washing dishes or cooking, on the phone with someone, or when I’m on the computer working on my blog.
And it is mostly because she is curious about what I am doing or feels my attention is not on her.
But the problem is that she is not saying that is what it is. She just crying, whining, and screaming.
So I have to get down on her level and talk to her. If she is wanting attention, I will give her a hug and calmly say “I’m doing such and such and can pick you up afterward, is that ok?”.
If she is really not having it, then I will stop what I’m doing and try to give her the attention that she is wanting. This obviously much easier said than done.
Toddlers have BIG emotions in their little bodies.
I try to repeat that to myself when I’m trying to remain calm with my daughter when she starts to act out.
Provide Options
I am actually in a support group on Facebook for Black Stay At Home Moms that I cannot rave enough about.
If you are a black stay-at-home mom looking for support and a community to draw from women who look like you, this is the group for you.
I asked these women what they did they do in regards to handling this phase of toddlerhood and the majority of them stated they provide options for their little ones.
When you think about it, it makes sense.
As I stated above, toddlers are little people with their own minds and the ability to begin to make decisions.
My daughter is at that phase where she wants to pick out what she wants to wear and wants to do a lot of tasks on her own.
By providing options, you are putting control in their hands to pick what they want to do.
Make sure the options you provide are both decisions you are ok with. And if they cannot make a decision, the decision then falls to you.
This is how they will learn how to make decisions as well as teach them good habits that will stick with them later.
Introduce Consequences
The reason I say introduce consequences is because you cannot punish a toddler for being what they are. A toddler.
They have only been here for a couple of years and their brains have only been developing for the past 2 years. So we can’t fault them for that.
Consequences should never be in the form of neglect and you can discipline your toddler without yelling or hitting.
You should never deprive your child of food or water in response to them acting out or throwing a tantrum. And with toddlers, you cannot banish them to their room for hours and hours.
But can timeouts really work with toddlers?
According to this article from Verywell Family, they can be effective if you use them efficiently.
Timeouts for younger toddlers can be placing them in a playpen, their crib, or a chair in a quiet place with parental supervision. Minutes are usually based on the age of the child.
You can also take away their favorite toy for a set amount of time as well.
The key to introducing consequences is being consistent with them. You have to follow through with what you say or it will be ineffective.
We knew when our own parents were bluffing with us when we were kids. They will catch on to that too.
Redirect & Distract
And the last way to discipline your toddler without yelling or hitting is through redirection and distraction.
As much as we want to avoid a meltdown, they are going to happen. Your toddler will find a way to freak out about something.
In the midst of their tantrum, they may think the world is ending, but we have to remind them it is not.
My daughter starts to scream and cry as loud as she can until I redirect her attention elsewhere. But you have to be careful because you don’t want to wind up rewarding bad behavior.
I have fallen victim to this by offering snacks and cartoons in exchange for quiet and calm.
The way to counteract this is by offering them something to do instead. If they don’t want to be in the stroller, have them help you push it.
If they are throwing a fit while you are in the kitchen trying to cook or clean, have them help you by giving them a dishtowel or a pan for them to act like they are doing what you are doing.
You have to start getting creative when it comes to toddlers.
Your Turn
Now that I have discussed some different ways to discipline your toddler without yelling or hitting. I want to hear from you. Do you utilize these approaches? Have you found success with them?
We are all human here and as a human, we have emotions too.
With all of their big emotions, it can be hard to remember that our children are not out to get us. As much as my daughter can work my nerves,
I can promise I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love that little girl. Let me know in the comments below your thoughts. And while you are still here, check out my previous blog post below. Until next time!
- Read More: Is Stay At Home Mom Depression Real?
Love,
Just Jass
Jasmyn Heard
Hi! I'm Jasmyn or "Jas" as everyone likes to call me! I'm a stay-at-home girl momma to 2 beautiful little girls and married to my wonderful husband whom I have been with for 10 years! I'm a book and tea lover and when I'm not working on my blog, you can find me sharing bits and pieces of our lives on Instagram or me strolling down the aisles of Target and DSW! I'm the mama blogger behind the blog, Just Jass, where I offer parenting advice, productivity tips, and positive mental health habits from my perspective as mama of 2. Why don't you join me and my Jassy Fam as we navigate this thing called "mom-life" together!
40 Comments
Traci Knoppe
As a Mom of 6 adult children; I will say that having a true bond and connection with your child is critical. Don’t do anything to break that bond & trust. I personally didn’t use time-out or counting to 3 (unless we were doing a math lesson :P). Instead, I discussed the behavior and what they did wrong and why they should not do that behavior.
Of course – the most critical part – is to clearly and frequently – explain what behavior is appropriate and expected. Practice situations where they may encounter a situation that could be dangerous, or trigger negative behavior – and teach them how they should respond. (i.e. stranger danger, whining in the grocery store, getting angry, etc…)
Second most critical thing: is that children learn more from examples of what they see us do, moreso than what we say. Actions always speak louder than words.
Jasmyn Wilkins
I couldn’t agree more with your comment! Having a bond is so critical with children and one even I cherish with both of my parents. Our actions do speak louder than our words so we must be aware of that! Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom!
Nthabiseng
I have been using these methods to positively reinforce discipline instead of yelling. They work more effectively as well.
Thanks for a great post.
Jasmyn Heard
I have also noticed the same! Glad that you enjoyed this post!
Rachel
Very good article, yes I use alot of these steps and are always looking for other ways for positive patently. My daughter is around the same age. I can relate to alot of this article! Thank you 🙂
Jasmyn Wilkins
You are very welcome! I am also trying to do more of the positive and gentle parenting approaches and wanted to share what I have been doing! Glad that you enjoyed this post!
Clara
Great post, its always nice to see different approaches and advice on parenting. As every child reacts differently, somwt2imes trying out different methods is key to finding what works best for them.
Jasmyn Wilkins
You couldn’t be more right! Every child is different which is exactly I wanted to provide different options that can suit many different types of kids. Glad that you enjoyed this post!
Jessica Collazo
This post is perfect for me. My toddler is starting to do some tantrums. And she likes to test the boundaries she’s very intelligent that is why sometimes she makes a joke out of things.
Jasmyn Wilkins
Your toddler sounds like mine lol. They are a lot smarter than we think! Glad this post could provide some tips!
Shayla
Thankyou for this post! I’ve been really struggling recently with my daughter’s tantrums. I will definitley be utilising the points you made!
Jasmyn Wilkins
You are very welcome and I’m glad that you found these tips to be helpful!
Amy
Providing options was the best thing I ever did with my older son and now have been doing this with my younger one too. Just letting them think they have a sense of control is so important. They are just trying to figure out how to be little humans and that a lot of times it comes out in the form of tantrums because they don’t know how to communicate any other way. Great options overall for any parent.
Jasmyn Wilkins
I am definitely learning that as well and developing a little more patience as hard it is sometimes. It does help to give them some control when they do have options! I’m glad that you enjoyed these tips!
Sana
You’re so true about dad’s Voice. I usually make a heavy voice to command my 2 year old. Omg! He clearly thinks that it’s his dad’s voice tbh. He gets calmer when I make it up 😐
Jasmyn Wilkins
It’s crazy when you think about it! It is something about a more firm, stern voice that demands attention! My daughter has started to catch on when I am being more serious as well!
April Haynesworth
my daughter will be three in a couple of weeks. I’m a 4k teacher and I’ve worked with infants and toddlers. Thank God I have knowledge of children’s development, but it’s different when it’s your own child. Lately, I’ve been using some of tge strategies that I’ve learned in my Child and Family Studies. I’m starting to engage more and be more proactive with my child so I don’t have to yell as much. I want my child to be happy and creative so I’m allowing her to be herself while setting safety boundaries.
Jasmyn Wilkins
We all want our kids to happy and creative but not at the expense of our insanity! I try to do the same as you by allowing her to explore while setting those boundaries. Glad you enjoyed this post!
Tara Taylor
I am just starting to enter the toddler years (my daughter just turned 13 months the other day) and this is something I have been thinking a lot about! I think it’s also important to remember consistency between both parents as well. If we each treat bad behaviour differently, she will get confused.
Jasmyn Wilkins
You are absolutely right! My husband and I go about things differently because we are just two different people but we do try to be on the same page when it comes to discipline and try not to undermine one another!
Christina
Yes, yes, and yes!! I HAVE BEEN DISCIPLINED (rather than thinking of it as giving discipline) and used all these strategies with my toddler ten years ago. I have modified them as my son has grown for age appropriate expectations. I am so happy to report that these strategies pay dividends – even though he is 13, he is just a lovely human being and is not a difficult teen. Oh, he challenges, but thanks to these methods, he knows there are loving consequences. I will continue to be disciplined about using these strategies, try them, they work!
Jasmyn Wilkins
I have heard been so many good things with the positive parenting approach and you have just confirmed that for me! I have even noticed that when I try to talk to my daughter more as opposed to yelling, it gets her communicating and building her language skills! I’m so glad that you enjoyed this post!
Jewels
This was so helpful! My son will be 3 in November and i swear i find Myself apologizing after yelling and saying no way more times than I’d like or enjoy. Then comes the major mom guilt! Trying so hard to implement some new strategies and learn so there’s less of all the mom guilt and toddler cries! ❤️
Jasmyn Wilkins
I can definitely relate to this as well as the mom guilt that comes with it, but these tips have definitely been helping me! I’m so glad that you found this post helpful!
Helena at Seven Sundays Yoga
Great advice! Redirect & distract is my go-to with my three-anger. Also a hug to help them calm down and pause to stop from just reacting
Jasmyn Wilkins
I have found it is nearly impossible to stay mad when you are giving or receiving a hug! It does help to calm everyone down including ourselves!
hari
these are fantastic tips.
in my opinion, setting and following up with the appropriate consequences is a best way to Discipline your child.
thanks for sharing this awesome post!
Jasmyn Wilkins
Right! I agree setting up and following up with the appropriate consequence is a great way to discipline your child! Glad that you enjoyed this post!
Amanda
Wonderful tips! I feel like
I say no way too much and just need to get on his level. Thank you for sharing!
Jasmyn Wilkins
I am also guilty of saying no but I am getting better! Glad that you enjoyed these tips!
Emily
I am not a parent yet, but as an Early Childhood Education teacher, I have found all of these tips to be very helpful too! I teach 18-24 month old young toddlers and apply all of these techniques for classroom management when working with my students every day.
Using a positive tone of voice is very beneficial to young children’s mental health and even of people of all ages. Our motive is to make them do what they are supposed not scare or upset them by yelling. Using a positive, firm voice even when children need correcting will not always, but most likely improve their behavior.
In the beginning of my career in the ECE field, I found it very hard to find and remember effective classroom management techniques, but then learned many from my mentors and even came up with some through my own creativity the more I was exposed to the field. Instead of saying, “Don’t run”, we can say “Walk” or “Use your walking feet.” We can also tell them “Running is for outside” and give them a fun alternative such as marching or jumping. Instead of saying, “Don’t hit/kick”, we can say, “Hitting/Kicking hurts people. Use nice hands/feet.” Instead of saying, “Don’t bite”, we can say, “Biting is for eating” or “Biting our friends hurts.” Instead of saying, “Stop throwing things at people”, we can say, “Balls are for throwing on the ground.” Instead of saying, “Get down” or “Stop climbing”, we can say, “Put your feet on the ground.” Redirection and guidance are great too. Our goal is to tell children the Do’s not the Don’ts. Even as adults, I find ourselves finding it frustrating when people tell us only the Don’t lol The other day my dad was helping me study for my driver’s permit on an app and he said “Don’t click that!” and I was like, “Well what do you want me to click?” lol
Setting an example is another big one too. This is not only because we are life mentors to these young children, but also is important since young children of all abilities are visual learners. So they need to see examples since this is how they learn. Talking to young children at eye level is also part of their learning style.
I find giving them choices to be very effective as part of behavior management too. About a month ago, my lead teacher got to go home early due to a shortage of children so I was left alone in ratio with our class. After water play, I had to change them and our class tends to act out during this time since we cannot play with them if we are changing their clothes/diapers. So I made all 5 toddlers sit on a rug next to the changing table where I was and gave them the following choices to keep them occupied: either read books, sing songs with me, or sit to relax while waiting their turn to get changed and it surprisingly worked perfectly! I also give them choices when we make certain crafts to build their independence, such as which color paint they want to use or to make a puppy or cat craft.
Consequences and positive distractions are very effective too. When children cry or express anger over getting in trouble (as long as they are not yelling or hurting others), I let them be anyway out of empathy because no one likes getting in trouble and being unhappy about it is expected of anyone who gets in trouble. Crying is also developmentally-appropriate for their age group in these scenarios. So, instead of saying, “Stop crying/being angry”, I tell them, “It is okay to cry, but you need to understand that what you did was wrong and this is what happens when you do that.” Positive distractions are also a great way to distract anyone from negativity in a positive light and prevent negative behaviors. For example, giving young children fun activities such as crafts, stroller rides, or gross motor play to do are positive distractions to keep them occupied reducing the frequency of them climbing things.
Thank you so much for sharing these tips! I always love all of your blog posts about taking care of toddlers! 😊
Jasmyn Wilkins
Thank you! I’m so glad that you found these tips to be really helpful! You always provide such valuable information when you comment so thank you!
Anna
I really loved these and use these a lot with my 2.5 year old. Man, are toddlers tough! I especially loved that you said not to “fault them” for who they are/where they are developmentally. This is SO true! And yes- kids learn how to behave from our behavior!! I have remind myself that I cannot require of my child what I cannot do myself (I.e not react out of anger, etc…) I’m an adult and sometimes have trouble controlling my reactions and my brain is fully developed; of COURSE our toddlers struggle to do that same! Thanks for your post!
Jasmyn Wilkins
I’m so glad that you loved this post and found it helpful! Toddlers are tough, but as you said, it starts with us! They often mirror our reactions, so we try our best to teach and show them how we would want them to react!
Pamela
This speaks to me sooooo much!! Great post!!
Jasmyn Wilkins
Thank you! I’m so glad that you enjoyed this post!
Jacqueline Pinchuk
I love that you talked about body language. I get so much farther with my body language than any other interventions. It’s as if their imagination is worse than what I could actually do. So by showing my displeasure through my body, I almost have to do nothing else. Just stand firm and display that I am not happy with facial expressions, slow breathing, closed eyes. I usually get a string of, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” while they try to rectify whatever they did. Thank you for sharing such an important topic :)!
Jasmyn Heard
Your very welcome and my body language has been huge for me during this process! I’m so glad that you enjoyed these tips!
Natasha
Great post with such great ideas. I am currently working on my tone as I know this makes such a great difference. Thank you for sharing
Jasmyn Heard
Your welcome! Glad that you enjoyed these tips!